sigh

Change and transformation.
Some noticeable. Some not.
Comments from 11 months ago. You have peace and the sweetest aura around you. Wow. Fast-forward to this weekend. Something is wrong. What is going on? You seem upset. I feel like it has been this way for about eight months but then again something from 20 years ago.
Yes, and that too.
The comments explain everything and nothing.

Pictured - Almond Butter, Sliced Apples, Pumpkin Seeds, Honey on Toast.

I had this soup the last day of my Yellowstone trip. I specifically chose the last week of August. My birthday and 4 years on Aug 23 since Tony died.  Last summer in the middle of the desert my friend and I shared about all the good things. Mountains, family, adventures, cabins, fires, and friends... For a moment I thought we might share these things. And we shared soup. Honestly, it was just an inspiration to go. The last time I went to Yellowstone I was maybe 10 and my mom took us on this long cross country road trip.  I now realize she was grieving. I wanted to see it as an adult and process a little grief myself.  My heart is slowly healing from this complicated mess I call my life. It was so so good. I am grateful.

This summer I took O to a treehouse.
It was amazing and I hope it becomes out tradition.
It was in the middle of Kansas TimberCreek Barns.  It was a perfect three hour drive from Kansas City. We enjoyed it all. We were the only one's on the property on that Monday and they made her delicious farm shaped waffles.
Looking for to the next adventure with this kiddo

The Wind in My Hair by Masih Alinejad

One of my new favorites...

2018 Meet the Author - Major Scott A. Huesing - “Echo in Ramadi” - Exten...

I embarked on a journey that I needed even more than I realized. About six weeks ago I decided I was doing it. I signed up to volunteer in Greece with refugees and booked my tickets. I sent my out of office notes at work and just stepped forward. And it was exactly what I needed. I need to be around some thing bigger than me and the daily iterations of the projects I am involved with. This was key. I met new people, saw the blue blue ocean, basked in the sun and walked in steps paved by brave and courageous souls.

I worked at a Refugee Camp Ritsona. 

It is a camp on the coast of Chalkida, Greece.

It is located in an old Greek Air Force Base. Currently, about 800 people call this their temporary home. They are from Syria, Kurdistan, Iraq, Afghanistan, and Africa ranging from just a few days old their 70’s.
The process has brought back some spark and inspiration to me.

It was nice to be active and nice to be in and outside.

travel books

Books  I am taking on the trip:

The Beekeeper

Nonfiction by Dunya Mikhail

Translated by Max WeissDunya Mikhail

Since 2014, Daesh (ISIS) has been brutalizing the Yazidi people of northern Iraq: sowing destruction, killing those who won’t convert to Islam, and enslaving young girls and women.

STORIES ABOUT THE 12 HARDEST THINGS I’M LEARNING TO SAY

By 

Tell Me More by Kelly Corrigan

 STORIES ABOUT THE 12 HARDEST THINGS I’M LEARNING TO SAY

'Women in Sunlight': by Frances Mayes shines with new novel about Tuscany, friendship    Review

By 

By 

By 

By 

midway

mid way
midway

and then tomorrow I will be on my way. At least for a little while.

They say ...On average, it takes more than 2 months before a new behavior becomes automatic — 66 days to be exact. And how long it takes a new habit to form can vary widely depending on the behavior, the person, and the circumstances. In Lally's study, it took anywhere from 18 days to 254 days for people to form a new habit.

I am at day 17 and only occasionally have an outburst or ugly cry.

I have been trying and taking some deep breaths and playing this song a lot.



Goals while I travel.

Love more
Eat well
Smile more
Connect with people
move (the conference call marathons each day are mind numbing - - I must move)
read

back

Well, the dreams are back. This time we are driving somewhere and we were much younger and she was a young child but not like child like. I was in the passenger seat with the window down. We were driving near water as I could see the blue in the distance. But so close to the guard rail I was touching it as we were slowly driving it next to it. There is a lot going on right now and somewhere in there he is telling me to hang on and get uncomfortable.  It is not that I am not going to hang on it is just that I am not sure which way to lean and what to hang on to. Or for how long.

deja vu

I took this picture today after I poured sugar wafers into a bowl. I thought of my mom immediately. Like a trigger.  My mom used to by the sleeve of chocolate, pink and vanilla wafers at FoodTown and set them a glass bowl on the counter of her island in the kitchen. She would binge eat them. And all that would be left is a residue of brown, pink, and yellow at the bottom. But back then we did not even see it as a binge. But now looking back, I am sure she ate to cope. She ate to grieve. Vividly, I can see her twisting her hair today. Twenty years ago today she was alive and my life was so different.  In six months we will celebrate the 20th year of her passing and his 4th. Hope you guys are behaving up there.

The Milk Lady of Bangalore

April 2018 - Sometime later

I am going to attempt to write more frequently in April.
I guess I have some things to say and towards the end of the month an experience to share.
In the meantime
Happy Easter.